How do you balance two contradictory, opposing states?
Many of us often find ourselves needing to balance opposing states. We might struggle to find the balance between wanting to achieve more or appreciating what is. We may not know where the line is between caring for ourselves and caring for others.
We all have preferences for one pole over the other and tend to lean strongly in favor of it. However, too much of one without the other can have negative impacts, so finding the right blend is key. These are polarities — interdependent yet seemingly opposite states that must coexist for success. Here are some examples: Work/Rest, Action/Reflection, Responsibility/Freedom, Innovation/Efficiency, Short-Term/Long-Term, Change/Stability, Reduce Cost/Improve Quality.
Many people approach polarities with an either/or mindset — either we have to be this or that, this situation can be summed up by X or Y. However, those using a both/and mindset are typically more fulfilled and successful than those who don’t because they can see a full range of possibilities available, they see choices.
Polarities aren’t problems to be solved, which typically require either/or thinking. They are situations that must be maintained and managed over time to achieve success, often requiring both/and thinking. It requires a shift in mindset and behavior.
All polarities work the same way: Every pole has benefits and contains several perspectives, but when one side is overused, unproductive things happen. Without awareness and intention, we find ourselves constantly swinging from one pole to the other (our political system is a good illustration of this).
For example, “focusing on others” has many benefits, but its overuse can be harmful when it’s not blended with “focusing on one’s self.” My goal is to help you find a third perspective that honors, respects, and holds both poles simultaneously — we call this the “Third Way” in coaching.
For example, by combining the benefits of “focus on self” and “focus on others” we can create a mindset that says, “my job is to cultivate nurturing relationships that consider the needs of others while staying true to my own.”
One polarity I’m constantly working on is “taking seriously/holding lightly.” My preference is to hold things seriously, but when I overdo it I feel a mental cost. That can look like me going above and beyond for something that’s not a personal priority and then feeling mentally exhausted by the weight of my actions and having less time for things that are meaningful to me.
I’m working to avoid swinging the pendulum so far that I hold everything lightly. Rather, I’m striving to calibrate such that I find the choice in when I hold things lightly and when I take things seriously (rather than automatically defaulting into taking everything seriously). This is a work in progress.
As a coach, I see many leaders working on this polarity, too. I find myself often asking my clients, “What can you do to hold things more lightly without losing your preference to take things seriously?" “What does holding something important lightly concretely look like?” “How does that feel?” “What’s underneath?” Taking things seriously has served you well, of course! What other possibilities might open up if you hold things a little more lightly?
As you continue on your leadership journey, check out the Key Polarity Indicator website for key polarities of leadership (sampling below).
